John Keyes

For my birthday, I received a present of some Tour de Ted body wash. The product blurb goes:

For the modern man about town who’s not afraid to change gear or multi-task, the fresh and invigorating top notes of Ozonic, Eucalyptus, Geranium and Patchouli will leave you feeling completely revitalised.

This revitalising Hair and Body Wash works in tandem with your physique to ensure you’re always oiled for choice.

I do love some fun cheese laden prose. Now I could go on about how this product will keep my frame sparkling, my levers glistening, and my saddle supple, but why would I go yanking your chain like that.